Suicide.

Ever think of it?
I know I have.
I've thought of it a lot recently.

If you can't fix the mistakes that haunt you; why should you stick around?
I told Johnny not to say his name.
Whats he do?
Repeat it.
Over, and over and over until I'm in tears.

I have been over you.
I hope you and your wonderful girlfriend live happily ever after.
Better yet, I hope she makes you see who you are.
How you really treat people.
I hope you treat her exactly how you treated me.
Maybe she'll be smarter then I was.

Because of you I have lost someone so close to me.
Robert was one of the closest people to me.
It fucking kills me to not hear him.
I shouldn't have came to him.
I should have ignored him when he said to give him space.
Why didn't I do that?
Why did I push him away?

So yes, suicide has been on my mind.
The girl in my story gave me a lovely idea.
Sleeping pills, and a bath tub full of water.
Easier said than done though.

I think about what it would be like to die.
Would there be darkness?
Would it be light?
Would I just be a ghost?
Haunting some person so they don't make the same mistakes.

I'm scared to be honest.
That, and Alex gave me a thought to think about.
I wouldn't want to hurt anyone.
Then again, who would get hurt.
Lately it seems as if no body really likes me anymore.
So why honestly bother?

Sure, I have had my happy moments.
That doesn't mean I don't break down like this morning.
Like when you just HAD to call me, just HAD to fucking push it then leave me there.
Thank you for telling me everything was a fucking lie.
Thank you for giving me the push to try to drug myself.
Only reason It wasn't as bad as the other times was because my little sister Lachelle came in.
She kept telling me not to cry.
To be quiet.
That it would all be okay.
She kept cuddling me and wiping my eyes.
I miss my little sister at times.

He told me not to do anything, or I'd regret it.
I already regret everything else.
So whats the point?
I can't stand this haunting over me...
Its the last thing on my mind every night.
First thing on my mind every morning.
The reason I keep trying to put myself back to sleep.

Your right.
I DID think of you as my knight.
I thought of you as my Uncle Robbie,
my brother, my best friend,
I thought of you as my everything.
Friendly, lovingly, and inspriationally,
You inspired me as well.

I would do anything to just make it up.
To make everything okay.
I can't though.
All I had to do was sit down, and think before I opened my mouth!

Everything you have ever said to me still haunts me as well.
I shouldn't have let you go...
You said you would be happier though.
I guess you are happier.
I didn't do anything for you anyways.
I was just there.

I half wish I could send the dresses back.
Or at least pay you your money back.
I don't deserve them.
Yet, there still hanging there in my closet,
Reminding me of you.

I guess to end this long entry.
I love you Uncle Robbie.
I'm sorry I pushed you away.
I thought you left, I also thought you wanted space,
I thought you wanted me gone.
So I gave up.

That mistake will always haunt me.
And honestly, I'd rather die then remember it everyday.